Gotta Start Somewhere...

When you are a teenager, you feel things so strongly. Your happiness is to the point of giddiness, your embarrassment is to the point of despair, and your pain is felt so strongly that, in the moment, you feel like you will never be whole again. That is when I first started writing for therapy. I would feel pain so strongly that I needed to let it out somehow. 

The kind of pain that I felt as a teenager has come and gone throughout my life, depending on the moment. That heart-ripping pain I felt over small things when I was young, such as ending a relationship after a few weeks,  turned into just a small, dull pain or slight tinge in my chest as I got older. Yet, the hear-break over losing loved ones, not achieving a goal I worked hard for, or losing a job or failing a class always sparked that strong pain within me again; which is normal. 

Well, now it is 2020 and COVID-19 has overtaken our world. Along with that has come more loneliness, anxiety, anger, and pain in the little things. I never thought I would feel as emotional or broken as I had when I was a teenager. I thought that, since my brain is considered to be fully developed and puberty is long gone, that I had the emotional capacity to manage when it was appropriate to feel such strong emotions. Yet, I find myself spiraling through all different kinds of emotions. I can feel happy to the point of giddiness at the thought of snuggling with my significant other and my cats. I can feel embarrassed to the point of despair when I am doing a poor job of parallel parking and a stranger is watching me. The pain I feel over little things such as being excluded from a party or gathering that I am unable to attend anyways is so strong that I truly am not sure how to pick up the pieces and feel whole again. 

I hope that by writing, I can try to find a solace in the sea of strong emotions and pain that I feel every day. I am hoping that I can use writing to balance myself again and try to find a new sense of normalcy in a time of chaos. 

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