Halloween Sadness

Tomorrow is Friday and the day before Halloween. The kids get to dress up in their costumes on Zoom, if they want too. I get to dress up too. I don't actually have a costume this year, but I always have things I can use as a backup. I could be a zombie, witch, flapper girl, nerd, or scarecrow. I decided on the flapper because most of that costume will show up well in Zoom. I can also put up a fun Gatsby background for the kids. It is all very exciting... sort of. 

Halloween is my favorite holiday. Well actually, Halloween was my favorite holiday... I am not sure how into it I really am this year. I don't feel the excitement like I have in the past. It comes in waves, really. I decorated my house and got a "costume" of sorts (although I am not sure an adult animal onesie really counts as a costume if I intend to wear it to lounge around the house this winter). I also wore some sort of Halloween thing every day this week at work. But, it truly feels like I am just going through the motions this year. It is not the same. 

In the past I always had one or more costumes to wear. That way I could celebrate Halloween over multiple days or weekends. These celebrations often called for some sort of house party or pre-game party and then a trip to the bars for more drinking. It was all very fun and some of my favorite memories are from these Halloween celebrations with my friends. That is, when I had friends. 

This year, on top of coronavirus, I also feel very disconnected and excluded from my group of friends. It is painful to not be invited and left out of things all the time. I also feel like I never hear from any of them anymore, although they were not the most eager to reach out before coronavirus either... Unless it involved drinking and partying. The truth is, even if they did invite me to things, I would have to turn down the offer anyways. They think they are all safe being around each other and having parties all the time, but I can't risk it. My job puts me at risk, but I also have to refrain from putting the people at my job at risk. It is a vicious cycle. In the end, I need to protect the children I work with. They already have lost so many good things in their lives. They should not have to worry about being super sick, being in the hospital, or potentially dying if I were to contract coronavirus and pass it on to them. 

I just miss being young and dumb and drunk with my friends. I get to see them on social media being young and dumb and drunk together and I cannot help but feel lost, alone, and unwanted. They used to really make me laugh and forget about the hard things in life. Now, they are one of those hard things in life. 

Happy Halloween... 

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