Friday, January 7, 2022:
Today I had one of those "I really need to cry right now, but I can't because I have students to teach" moments at school. I had been teaching all morning and during my usual middle of the day prep when I have a chance to take a little break I had to cover another teacher. I was in my afternoon class that can never seem to sit still or stop talking for more than a few seconds at a time. They are the type of class that has to comment on everything and they cannot seem to ever say anything kind to each other or to me. I generally like these students because apart from lacking self-control they are goofy and unique and they enjoy telling stories about themselves. We can have a lot of fun. But today, after having a full morning already, I was exhausted and dreading their class. I just did not have the energy today. I got there and almost instantly things were bad. I greeted everyone as they walked in and prompted them all to get started with writing their homework in their planners like we do every day, and no one was listening or moving to get started. They were talking, walking around the room, touching and grabbing things around the room, etc. It was complete chaos. I finally got them settled and writing in their planners, but that only lasted a minute before the chaos started up again. It was a constant battle between chaos and small moments of focus and I found myself getting frustrated and angry with the students. I could just feel the pressure building up in my chest and my cheeks getting hot under my mask. I tried everything in my power to remain calm, redirect their behaviors, and push through the lesson, but nothing seemed to work for very long. I wanted to cry right on the spot, in front of all my students, but I had to hold in my tears and keep doing what I could to keep the class in control. When the bell finally rang and I dismissed everyone, at least I had some relief from the chaos but I couldn't let out my tears since I had another class to teach. I just felt defeated. I felt like I was not being an effective teacher. I felt like I was not cut out for this job. All I wanted to do was cry, and I couldn't even do that.
That same day, I taught the exact same lesson to a different group of students in the morning, and it went completely different. The students were engaged, participating, listening to redirection, and focusing on the lesson the best they could. It gave me the energy and made me feel validated and excited to be a teacher. How can one person feel so excited to be a teacher one moment and then later the same day feel like they are not cut out to be a teacher?
This job gives you whiplash.
I have been in survival mode this entire school year. I have been trying to recover from last year's stress and anxiety while also trying to manage this year's stress and anxiety. I have been trying to find the good and the excitement that motivated me to become a teacher in the first place when things have drastically changed since I began teaching four years ago. I used to have so much joy and excitement for teaching when I first started. It was all I wanted to do. I basically made it my personality. Now, I am afraid to admit whether or not I should continue being a teacher after this year. I have only known this. I only know how to do this. How can I find joy or survive in another field when I have never wanted to do or be anything else?
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Wednesday, January 12, 2022:
Today has been an okay day at school, despite everything. I had no students in crisis, I was able to use my prep periods today. Because of this, my classes were not completely chaotic and I was able to actually get some work done. It is funny that the bar for a good day is the chance to actually work at my job and to have calm students. With that said, a few concerning things have come up today. First of all, we had a shelter in place today. This was not a drill either, but no information was given to the teachers. We were only told to hold our students in our rooms and lock our doors until further notice. So, of course, I had to quell the anxieties of the students I had in my room and let them know that we were not in any immediate danger... even though I had no idea what was going on. While sheltering in place, I was talking with the students and a couple of them confided in me that they and other members or friends of the LGBTQ+ community at school have been being called "dogs" and being barked at in the hallways by a group of boys, some of whom have mullets. These students would not give me any names and did not want to talk to the dean about it, so I brought it up to our dean to see if there is anything we could do. She told me that unless we have names, there is no way to make it stop. I cannot believe this is the world we are still living in as teachers. Blatant trans and homophobia flying under our radars in the hallways, shelter in place drills where students think their lives are in danger, and no information or communication given to teachers to be able to remedy any of the situations.
There is so much I want to do to make my students feel safe, comfortable, and calm while in my classroom but there is also so much I cannot control.
The life of a teacher.
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